On The Verge

There’s nothing more claustrophobic than being unemployed. Funny, how by having no ties to work, I essentially have no freedom.

The longer I go without a job, the more I look back on the past few weeks and think, “I should have at least done something creative with my time–I at least shouldn’t have let these weeks go to waste.” And yet, everytime I sit down to do something creative, I feel I’m putting my time to waste, “You should be looking for a job. You can be creative when you have a job.” And then I remember how when I had a job, all I thought was, “If I didn’t have a job, I’d have more time to be creative.”

It’s a horrible, viscious cycle–and would be easily fixed by a big pile of money. They say that money can’t by happiness, but it does buy you freedom. It was true for the slaves and it’s true for me. If all needs were met, if money were not an issue, I could be free to do whatever I please with my time. My time is much better spent doing those things I have a talent for than putting in hours for someone else. But then, that’s how you get money to do the things you want. And again, the viscious cycle.

I’m trying to spend time finding a job that uses my creative talents–that will inspire me to be more creative in my free time. But those jobs are hard to come by, especially in this economy. Hence, more time being unemployed. Hence, more time looking for jobs, hence, less creative freedom.

It creates an unsettling bitterness in me. I do not want for much. I want a house, food, clothing, shelter, phone and something to write with. And I want to know those things will always be available to me. I want the same things that everybody wants–that everyone feels entitled to. But in reality, nobody is entitled to anything. At the end of the day, even your basic needs must be earned. You’ve got to prove yourself worthy of those things. And proving yourself worthy so often does not include putting your talents to their best use. Usually it means putting in hours for someone else. And so often those jobs make you feel worthless. And so, to prove your worth you must be worthless. Who thought of this system?

To put it succinctly, all things to do with jobs suck–both the lack of one and the having of one.

What I wouldn’t give for just a year of freedom. If I could sustain myself for a year, I would put my talents to their best use and do my best to earn my keep with those talents for the rest of my life. And yet, as I type this, I know that there are many things I wouldn’t give–I wouldn’t give my body, I wouldn’t commit crimes, I wouldn’t change my views. But as I look around me, I see that is how the money is made. And so I’m trapped–either by stubborness, insubordination, or integrity. Call it what you will.

So what’s to be done if I want happiness?
Only those things that make me unhappy.

Life is hilarious.

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